ventichai's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Cat is out of the Bag... Due to my seperation anxiety, I caved in and went to see Bobby for a little while at his work. I'm telling you, this can't be healthy.... There is something that has been hanging over my head for quite some time now. I haven't made an issue of it because I just figured I would deal with it in my own time. Bobby called me out on it tonight. Since last december, I haven't quite been myself. I knew that I had made a drastic change from the happy go lucky girl to the sad, paranoid, withdrawn, girl. I just thought that I covered it up better than I obviously did. Most of you know the story if you use to read my old diary. I didn't go into great lenght about it there either, due to people and there narrow-minded ways. At the time I was dealing with a lot and didn't need negative feedback on the issue. Long story short, I caught my husband liplocked with another girl at his work the day before Christmas. I know what you are thinking.... but it wasn't his doings and this I am sure of. However, before this little dilema, Bobby was the first man I ever let myself trust. So, you can imagine my initial shock when I saw this first hand. We did a lot of talking that night. A lot of crying. A lot of yelling. But deep down in my heart I knew that he wasn't to blame and that he wasn't lying to me. That vision just kept flashing in front of my eyes every time I would blink. It was nauseating. 6 months have passed, and I am over it... to an extent. Despite what my heart knows, my brain loves to toy with me. Everytime he walks out that door, I wonder. What if today is the day it happens again? Do I really want to know? Could he ever do that? Am I driving him to do that? The "detective" game is driving him mad. Rightfully so. I find myself unconsciously proding him with 1000 questions constantly. But how do I explain to him that I can't help this feeling I get from time to time. How do I tell him that I know what is bothering me, I've known since December why I am so distant?? More importantly, how do I tell him that it is all because of what I saw without him feeling guilty? Our 1 year anniversary is in a month. We briefly were talking about what we should do for the occassion and if we were exchanging gifts. Do you know what my husband asked me for??? He told me he wants to see me smile. He said, you tell me what I can do to make you smile the way I use to, and that is what I will do. He misses my smile. Thats all he wants. What is it about us women that inhibits us from letting things go? Why are so many of us drowning in our own insecurities? I realize I would lead a much happier life if I would just let it go and not worry, but it is much more easier said than done. So my question to all of you out there... How do you just let go? How do you break such a bad habit, like not being able to trust and open up? How do you reteach yourself to really smile and mean it? I'll let you in on a little selfish secret that I have been keeping.... I miss my smile, too. 9:19 p.m. - 2005-06-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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